I'm Not Shy...

…I’m just an introvert. Whenever I tell people this, the first thing they tend to is assume that ‘introverted’ means ‘shy’, and  say “No, you’re not! You’re really loud!” The two most obvious points to bring up with this is that for one, I am an introvert. I like to think I know what I am, and the reasons for why I do things. Two, introversion has nothing to do with volume. I think this is the trigger reaction because many of the people who I tell, I know very well. Because I know them well, I act ‘normally’ around them, and tend to let go a little more, unlike how I am around people I don’t know. If I’m being loud around people I don’t know, I’m probably just trying to scare them off. This is quite easy to do; you only have to pick a word at random and shout it with gusto. My favorite at the moment is “hegemony”, mostly because it sounds like a noise a banker would make when falling out of a conifer. 

The problems that come with being introverted is that being around large groups of people tends to exhaust me. Physically, my brain processes more information to a deeper level than an extroverted brain (for once that isn’t me trying to show off how clever I am; it’s a fact. Science, man.) This is why I’m ‘not very good at parties’. That’s a lie; I’m awesome at parties. I just have to leave a little bit earlier than most people would/have a little lie down somewhere quiet for a while. Unfortunately, clubs and bars don’t tend to have places to ‘have a little lie down’, which is why if you come out with me, you’ll probably find me hiding in the toilets a lot. I just need time to focus, and process information on my own. Being around people makes me feel very crowded, and after a while I get scared, and have to leave before I start shouting, or crying, and either way I will start looking for somewhere to hide like a fat kid trying to find cake. 

I’m not telling you any of this to make you feel sorry for me; I just need you to understand. If I end up at a party, and I vanish, it’s fine. If anyone says, “Hey, where’s Az?” The best thing you can do is very loudly say “OH, Az you say? She had to leave. There was a thing. Top secret thing. Government top secret thing. She’ll be back in half an hour.” And leave it at that. 

I don’t mind being introverted. I actually quite like it. It gives me time to sit on my own and read things like this; an essay on gay sex in ancient Egypt. Or play with my cats, or write stupid stories about Brian Cox pining for Boris Johnson. But sometimes I just get tired, or feel guilty for not spending as much time with my friends as I should. At least I’ve finally got used to the cold shock of fear that comes with being told to work in groups at school. I’m a lot better at dealing with new people than I used to be, and I’m sorry if I ever made you upset by how I acted when at a party. I’m like a toddler; I get grouchy when I’m tired.

I’m sat in the garden writing this, and its evening. It’s a lovely night, but my youngest cat is currently chasing flies. Which is partly extremely funny, and partly he just launched himself onto my laptop, so what do you think?


I was walking past a greasy spoon café earlier, and saw a handwritten sign in the window that said “Hamsters for sale”. I turned to the woman next to me and asked “Do you think they come with chips, or mushy peas?”*

*Confession: there was no woman. I was on my own. I just wanted to sound cool.

PS Final update on the Below The Line Challenge; I've now sent in all the money we raised, and together we managed £216! Which i awesome, thank you so much for all your support.