When I Am Prime Minister

I will...

1. Be able to spell Prime Minister on the first attempt
2. Be able to answer a question directly
3. Think if stuff that’s going on outside London
4. Only go to war if I really, really need to and not just because I'm bored
5. Stop letting America boss us about
6. Stop pissing about with ‘cigarette tax’ and just ban them (might be unpopular)

I will not…

1. Fiddle expenses
2. Use tax money to throw big parties
3. Build a big train from London to Birmingham un less I have made Birmingham much nicer
4. I will not make Birmingham much nicer
5. Give any extra money to other MPs just because we’re BFFs
6. Spill soup on any important documents, even if they’re bad (or leave them on trains)

Laws I shall make:

1. Any MP heard making an offensive remark shall get an egg thrown at them to show the physical manifestation of the metaphorical egg on their face.
2. Dress down Friday
3. If MPs must have a second home, they are regulated to a very small flat in Croydon
4. Crimes to be rated on a ‘naughtiness scale’ to decide punishment (not believing that I’m going to be Prime Minister is a 3)
5.  The mayor of London is not allowed to be better than me

Please vote for me