Chancellor Of The Exchequer? I Hardly Know Her!

I think it’s very, very important to make fun of politicians. Very important. In the age of the career politician, they seem to have become this slightly inhuman creature, wriggling their fingers and cackling together in corners.  They come either at Mr Burns, from The Simpsons, or kids in the playground, having a squabble.  “Yes, I know the economy has gone to shit, BUT LABOR STARTED IT.” And when you look at it that way, it’s really hard to not make fun of them. I don’t think we really acknowledge just how much power these men (yes, men. In the UK the ratio of male to female politicians is alarming, but that’s another story for another time) is utterly terrifying. They can have power over our jobs, our houses, who we can marry, if we’re allowed to leave or re-enter the country. I recently finished reading ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’, by Margret Atwood. I had to hide under my bed for most of it. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do, and then I suggest you cry.

I like making fun of politicians. It briefly brings some of the power back to us. George Osborne may take benefits away from the disabled, but ahahahaha, he looks like a confused six year old. I want to do that thing where you pinch his cheeks and wibble his face. I have nick-named him Puppy, much to the annoyance of my family – who like watching the news in the evening.

Recently the news came out that Nick Clegg would like to carry on the coalition after the next election. Of course he would, he’d miss cuddle time with David Cameron. 

I’m not even going to start on Ed Balls. I’ll let you fill in your own jokes there.

How To Politics.

Fun fact: I can vote. This is both excellent and also alarming. Excellent because it means I live in a democratic society (cool) and that I have a (small) say in how my country is run (also cool). It's alarming because until about two years ago I had less than no idea about what a politic was (not a typo for once). But then I decided to try and understand whatever the hell is going on, and now I can make a half decent joke about Vince Cable, and know when to make sad sounding noises when someone's talking about NHS reform. Here is a handy guide:

1. Get a newspaper. I don't care which one, also the Daily Mail isn't doing you any favors. The Guardian, Independent and Telegraph all work well. Now read it. Read all the bits that have long words and percentage symbols in. Read all the bits next to photos of nervous cabinet members and angry nurses/teachers/builders. Then read it again. Read it until you can accurately guess the meanings of the long words from the context. 
2. Watch BBC news. Get some cake and a cup of tea, put the news on and watch it until you're so cross you have to get more cake. Repeat until there is no cake left, or your waistline is three times that size it was when you stared.
3. Open two browser tabs. In one, pull up a photo of a politician. I recommend starting with Boris Johnson because he's easiest. In the second tab, pull up a photo of your worst fear. It could be a spider, or a big height, or your grandmothers idea of lunch. Whatever works best for you. Now look at Boris for ten seconds. Now look at your worst fear for ten seconds. Repeat until the sight of Boris strikes a cold, icy blade of fear into your heart. Do the same for David Cameron, Nick Clegg, ect. ect. When you run out of politicians, google some more.
4. Realize the key to understanding politics is repetition. Remember you're lazy, and give up. However by this point at least some of it should have sunk in a little bit. 

Best of luck.

Dear The Tories, We Don't Burn Protestants Any More

So, roughly three minutes ago, I watched a report on the news about how parliament will vote on whether or not gay people will be 'allowed' to get married. Ah, those crazy gays. They'll want the vote next.
So, apparently, a lot of Tories are getting very upset, and refusing to support this idea, or even leaving the party,  because they think that supporting gay marriage will make them loose the next election, as it goes against the "public's view of the institution or marriage". (Isn't that a horrible term? Institution or marriage? Makes it sound like a hospital mad house. Not that I'm insinuating anything.) CLEARLY IT DOES NOT. The Yougov poll in December found that 55% of British people support same-sex marriage. If you're like me, and terrible at maths, then that's more than half. That's the MAJORITY. HOW DOES THAT NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING? According to one Tory party member, the 'institution of marriage' (ugh) is the "union between a man and a woman, who will hopefully go on to raise children". 
Which kind of makes me want to drill into my skull.
IT IS NOT THE 1800'S ANY MORE. I genuinely don't understand how the contents of one's pants changes how 'valid' your love for another human being is? And has anyone told the Tories that gay people, can in fact, have children? It's mad world, I know. Besides, I'm pretty sure the need to have children went out of the window when people stopped being executed for not being Catholic. Which was quite a long time ago. I know the Tory party has a bit of a rep for being old fashioned, but that might just be pushing it. 
David Cameron, at least, seems to be rather happy about the idea of same-sex marriage, which I rather appreciate. I'm not sure if this is because he's A) genuinely quite a nice person, B) really wants the gay vote, or C) he and Clegg have a happy announcement coming up.
A member of the Tory party, who is one of the 25 who signed a petition to push back the vote for same-sex marriage, told the BBC that "It's not about being anti-gay." Well. Hmm. See, there are two problems with this. One - if you were pro-gay, you probably wouldn't be threatening to resign unless the vote was pushed back, and two - if you didn't really have an opinion about gay marriage, well, you still probably wouldn't be threatening your resignation.
I realize I may be a little biased on this matter. I would quite like to have a wife at some point though. And, y'know, be able to call her my 'wife', not my 'partner'. That's a lie, I'd love a partner, but only if it's followed by the words "in crime". I just hate how some people who are no relation to me, get to sit around and decide whether or not it will be legal to marry someone I love. Is it really that important? I don't think I'm asking all that much, really. I kind of get the feeling that, if you don't believe in gay marriage, and you try to stop it from happening, it's a little bit like how vegans like shouting at people who eat meat. And no one ever listens to vegans. Y'see?

So no, I'm not best pleased with the Tories at the moment of course. Don't worry, I'm still very much in love with Boris, it's just the rest of them that bother me. I apologies for any hideous mistakes, I'm not entirely up to date on political terms. 
Please read a review of the Yougov poll here.