How To Politics.

Fun fact: I can vote. This is both excellent and also alarming. Excellent because it means I live in a democratic society (cool) and that I have a (small) say in how my country is run (also cool). It's alarming because until about two years ago I had less than no idea about what a politic was (not a typo for once). But then I decided to try and understand whatever the hell is going on, and now I can make a half decent joke about Vince Cable, and know when to make sad sounding noises when someone's talking about NHS reform. Here is a handy guide:

1. Get a newspaper. I don't care which one, also the Daily Mail isn't doing you any favors. The Guardian, Independent and Telegraph all work well. Now read it. Read all the bits that have long words and percentage symbols in. Read all the bits next to photos of nervous cabinet members and angry nurses/teachers/builders. Then read it again. Read it until you can accurately guess the meanings of the long words from the context. 
2. Watch BBC news. Get some cake and a cup of tea, put the news on and watch it until you're so cross you have to get more cake. Repeat until there is no cake left, or your waistline is three times that size it was when you stared.
3. Open two browser tabs. In one, pull up a photo of a politician. I recommend starting with Boris Johnson because he's easiest. In the second tab, pull up a photo of your worst fear. It could be a spider, or a big height, or your grandmothers idea of lunch. Whatever works best for you. Now look at Boris for ten seconds. Now look at your worst fear for ten seconds. Repeat until the sight of Boris strikes a cold, icy blade of fear into your heart. Do the same for David Cameron, Nick Clegg, ect. ect. When you run out of politicians, google some more.
4. Realize the key to understanding politics is repetition. Remember you're lazy, and give up. However by this point at least some of it should have sunk in a little bit. 

Best of luck.

Just A Note To Say

I'll be honest, this isn't a real post. I just need to tell you some stuff quickly. First off, I have decided to name the readers of my blog Shipmates. Seeing as it's called "I am the Pirate Captain" and all that. Second, sorry I haven't updated for a while. You may not get any proper updates till next week. Sorry. I'm just y'know. Really busy. Luckily though, I have two rather meaty posts that I'm looking forward to writing (and hopefully you're looking forward to reading.) I just have a lot of stuff on, but with any luck, by the end of the month we'll have tackled democracy, drama, and menstrual cycles (I promise you it won't be as scary as it sounds. Please don't leave.)
I'm off to Berlin at the end of the month. If I don't have a couple of great stories to crack out at the end of that, I clearly need to rethink my future career.

Next, I FOUND THE FEMALE BRIAN COX. Long story short, I read a story about a mummified mammoth carcass, there was a quote from a scientist, I looked her up, etc. So I present to you Alice Roberts, a very clever and very pretty lady who knows a lot of stuff. She's written books and been on Coast, and is generally really great. We love Alice Roberts.

I was in a YouTube video! My friend Lauren is quite a talented film maker, and was recently in my house. She was filming a vlog, and I sort of ended up wandering into it. FJ, if you're reading this, the reason you're mentioned is because I was impressed that you had 'liked' something on my Facebook. That is all. Thus, here is me reading gay fan fiction aloud.

And finally I should probably say thanks to I Set The Sea On Fire, who I like to call my very good friends, and who promoted me on their Twitter feed. Thanks guys. Bellow is a photo from their album launch.
To wrap up, I'm sorry this post is awful, normal service will be resumed shortly. OH, and THANK YOU TO YOU, dear Shipmates. I genuinely never thought anyone would ever read this, so every time anyone tells me that they read this, or enjoy it, my brain just... stops. Thank you for the continued love and support. It's making me crave journalism more than ever. So you may or may not be digging your own graves. I love you.
And very quickly, I wrote a story about the misadventures of Brian Cox and Boris Johnson. I hope you like it. I may write more.

Dear Mum

So first off, I forgot to buy you a card. Soz about that. You'll have to do with a blog post instead. Depending on what time I wake up I might even print it off. Hardcore.
Let's face it, we don't really do sentimentality. We're one of those families that expresses affection by only verbally abusing each other, and in our cases, falling on each other from great heights. Well, I do that. Your knees are bit too squiffy to do any real falling. I hope you never have to appear on Miranda. Anyways, you've been a Mum for like, eighteen years now. That's a well long time.If there was a branch of Girl Guiding for mums, you'd probably have earned some sort of badge. Probably one of those ones you get on the anniversary of joining. I only ever got my yellow one. Not for being a mum, obvs, but in the actual girl guides.   Long story short, I'm rubbish at cards. You get a list instead. Much better. You get a list of 'thank yous', because it's Mothers Day, and it's socially unacceptable to ignore it. So, thank you...

1. ...For taking me to that Pogues gig, even though it was a school night, I was ill, and going with a load of older boys I didn't know very well. It was fun. My hair still smells of Guinness.
2. ...For being at home quite a lot when I had glandular fever, and finding that there tutor and stuff.
3. ...For letting me do media, which was probably a bad decision, but also meant that I met two of the best teachers I've ever had.
4. ...For letting me do drama. Ditto.
5. ...For talking me out of going to drama school/doing it at uni. In hindsight that really was an awful idea.
6. ...For not trying to change my mind as I slowly became more and more of an insufferable liberal. I realize it can probably be quite annoying some times.
7. ...For saying "Just as long as it's not Baggy." when I told you I had a girlfriend. Probably the best response overall.
8. ...Letting me go to a lot of slightly shady house parties, and slowly imparting enough wisdom on to me that I know that getting drunk/doing drugs/getting pregnant is way more effort than it's worth.
9. ...Playing David Bowie to me when I was tiny. I would later hear him on the radio and know all of the words. I would not know why. It would be really weird.
10. ...For putting up with the Spice Girls phase before I discovered Green Day.
11. ...For not killing me on the second Spice Girls phase. At least it wasn't Justin Timberlake.
12. ...For putting up with this blog post. It's really late and thinking of eighteen things is hard.
13. ...For raising me to be the cynical bitch that I am. It's really fun. 
14. ...For encouraging me to have Noel Fielding as a role model. Are you sure that's a good idea?
15. ...For not having me drowned by a mob that time I indirectly stabbed you in the eye with barbed wire. I still don't know how you missed the fence, and maintain that it wasn't my fault. 
16. ...For decorating my room like a Moroccan brothel. 
17. ...For raising me entirely on programs with Tony Robinson in. Although there's now a high chance that I shall commit suicide when he eventually dies.
18. ...For indulging my weird obsessions with middle aged male 'celebrities'. At least Brian Cox and Boris Johnson are acceptable to the rest of the family. 

BONUS ...For Alan. I feel like he's being left out. And he did buy me a mug. Although he does smell funny.

So, y'know. Cheers and that. Your present will arrive within 4-6 working days. Please can you pick me up from drama on Monday.

PS Please keep the rest of that wine. I do not like it.