Contemplating The Idea Of Home

At the beginning of the last episode of Wonders Of Life, Brian Cox said something rather... well, wonderful. He said;

"Home is such an evocative word, it will mean something to you. The place you went to school, they place you live, the place your kids had their first Christmas."

And it got me thinking. Home means a lot to me, and it always has. Home is where I am safe, ready and prepared. My home is like my base, it's clean, and settled. It's the place where I want to return to after a long day, or a night out. Time away from home makes me appreciate it all the more. 

So, I asked myself, what do I class as home? I have at least two actual buildings which I could class as home - where I live. I love school, but I wouldn't say it was the place where I was safe, ready and prepared. And obviously it's not going to be where my kids had their first Christmas. I don't have any. That's just Brian Cox rubbing it my face that I'm not part of his target demographic. 

After a lot of long, intense thinking (it was literally about three minutes), I came up with only one solution. 

Home is where your knickers are.

Underwear Horoscope for... Um... Normal Women

So a while ago, Jenna Marbles, who I love and respect very much, posted this video on YouTube, where she gave horoscopes based on what knickers you were wearing on a day-to-day basis. And OK, fair enough, she probably has a point, but only if anyone is actually going to be looking inside your jeans. As someone who's jean content remains largely unknown to the majority of the world, I may have tweaked some of these...

• Cotton briefs. Today, you and your vagina will work as one. You will be so damn comfy, it is unreal. You'll get a lot of stuff done today that you've been putting off for a while, and you'll start reading that book you had your eye on, which will turn out to be really funny.
• Lady boxers. Otherwise known as boy shorts. At some point this afternoon you will find yourself in your pants and a shirt, lip-syncing to Beyoncé, into a hairbrush.
• Underwear from a pack. Today, you will be very comfy, and probably take a mid afternoon nap. Someone will question your choice of pant, but unless it's someone who you're about to have spur of the moment sex with, in a very brightly lit room, it doesn't really matter.
• Knickers with writing on the back. On the off chance that someone actually reads this writing, they will not notice how excellent your ass is, because they will be distracted by the slogans. This marks a down point in your life. You are probably trying to regain your youth. Stop it. You had really bad bangs back then.
• See through knickers. You will smirk knowingly to yourself while buying coffee, then wink at that hot barista who works here on Tuesday afternoons. Your coffee will be a bit cheaper than normal. Well done. Later you will drop a magazine in Coop, but luckily, no one will be watching.
• Thong. Your ass will have the aesthetic equivalent of a glittery rainbow unicorn covered in cake. However, you will need to do a strange little shimmy every time some string goes somewhere it shouldn't. 
• Lace. Today, you will not put on any other clothes. Instead, you will stay at home, lie on a sofa, and look very attractive. Your legs will look good enough to inspire an impromptu visit to a night club, where you will make out with someone, then do a very small sick in the taxi home.
• Shape wear pants. While your entire body will look amazing, you won't be able to sit down/bend over/raise your arms above 90 degrees/do Gangnam Style. Best just sand in the corner drinking a lot of wine and talking about George Osborne. 
• Matching bra and knickers. You will achieve superpowers for (1) day. 

Time To Crack Out The Christmas Pants

In my little group, we have something called the Knicker Brigade. I can tell you'r interested. It's three or four of us, who buy each other knickers for birthdays and Christmas. It's fun, and quirky, and we all feel a little bit closer for knowing far too much about each others underwear drawers.

So, I thought it might a be a bit of fun to bring you some of my favorite underwear out there this Christmas season. I'm afraid the bras outweigh the pants; I don't want to be giving and secrets away! Also, me and bras? Best friends.

From H&M, I'm actually in love. It's everything I could ever want from some pants. If these don't sum up the meaning of Christmas, I don't know what does. A neat combination of comfort, value for money, and sequins. You can get them here, and I give them five out of five stars.

If you don't love Coco De Mer, then there is something wrong with you. This is the obligatory expensive bra, and proof that "You can be kinky at Christmas" is an actual, legit saying in some parts of Yorkshire (clue: it's not). You can get it here, five stars.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be who I am now, if it weren't for comfy Marks and Spencer pants. These are probably the only ones in this list that actually look Christmassy, but they're adorable, and perfect for slouching round the house in, on cold winter mornings. You can get them here, three out of five stars (nice, but a bit dull)

From Boux Avenue, Roxy satin plunge bra and briefs. It's Christmas, big, bold colours are fabulous, and I love this because it's just the right side of sexy, without being too garish, and simple without being too boring.  Also, there's a choice of briefs, or a thong, which I appreciate (I have a hatred of thongs.) You can find it here, and I give them four out of five stars.

And thus, that completes my Christmas knicker list. Which should be a thing. Knickers are so underrated as a clothing group. And can you imagine where we'd be without them? With cold vaginas, that's where. Also, my spell check refuses to admit that there is a plural of 'vagina'. I t keeps wanting to put commas in there, like the vaginas have possessions.

This is a real threat, people. The vaginas are stealing your pants. But only one at a time. because Google thing there isn't a plural of vagina. Unless it's like octopus, and the plural is something like vagini. 

I googled it. It's not vagini, it's vaginae. 

Close enough people, close enough.