I Miss This

I think the most bastard thing about being a writer is that every time I have a decent amount of time to work with, I can't think of a single thing to say. Which is why I've spent a lot of today being exhausted and staring at a blank computer screen. I just kept thinking I have to write something, and then thinking but what is that something? Long story short, I have no idea. I was all "I'll write a short story about snow!" and then I remembered that I hate snow and it's all just sat there outside of my window giving my Mum a cold and metaphorically crippling me by confining me to my house. I hate snow. Then I thought "I'll write a poem!" But, ahahaha, good joke me. I'm awful at poetry. And again, the only thing I can think of to write about is snow. Because there's just so much of it. So no poetry, and defiantly not poetry about snow. 
I guess I've been gone a while. Sorry about that. I just had a lot of stuff on. I was in a pantomime, did my practical A Level drama exam, and did my grade seven speech and drama exam all within the course of one week, and I am knackered. I've got a load of stuff that I want to say, but I just need a little bit of time (but not too much). Also some of it is oddly daunting, so we'll see how that goes.
I'm trying not to make any of this too personal, because I've made the mistake of making blogs very personal before, and it never ends well. But I just needed to have that tiny rant. I'm trying to think of a funny story to end this with, but sod it, I have no funny in me right now. No, I lie, I'm going to go and write Top Gear fan fiction, and if that's not funny, I don't know what is. I always have funny in me. 
The pantomime was great - it was the story of Jonah and The Whale, in my local church. Jonah was played by an angry teenage girl, the whale was played by a six year old in a fish costume. I played a banker. There was a drag queen and a gang of ten year old arms dealers. I think this is what happens when you stay in the countryside for too long. The exam was fun and also one of the saddest moments of my life and left all of us with a lot of bruises in places we aren't comfortable talking about. The second exam was the single most terrifying experience of my life. But I did get get a new bra out of it, so swings and roundabouts, I guess. 
Here, have some mentally scaring photos of myself and my pets.

"When there's grubby money making to be done (to be done), oh a bankers lot is such a happy one..."

My Favorite Bimbo

"Hold me."
"Did you say hold me?"
"No."

Proof that I no longer fit into the kids dressing up clothes you get in museums.

Underwear Horoscope for... Um... Normal Women

So a while ago, Jenna Marbles, who I love and respect very much, posted this video on YouTube, where she gave horoscopes based on what knickers you were wearing on a day-to-day basis. And OK, fair enough, she probably has a point, but only if anyone is actually going to be looking inside your jeans. As someone who's jean content remains largely unknown to the majority of the world, I may have tweaked some of these...

• Cotton briefs. Today, you and your vagina will work as one. You will be so damn comfy, it is unreal. You'll get a lot of stuff done today that you've been putting off for a while, and you'll start reading that book you had your eye on, which will turn out to be really funny.
• Lady boxers. Otherwise known as boy shorts. At some point this afternoon you will find yourself in your pants and a shirt, lip-syncing to Beyoncé, into a hairbrush.
• Underwear from a pack. Today, you will be very comfy, and probably take a mid afternoon nap. Someone will question your choice of pant, but unless it's someone who you're about to have spur of the moment sex with, in a very brightly lit room, it doesn't really matter.
• Knickers with writing on the back. On the off chance that someone actually reads this writing, they will not notice how excellent your ass is, because they will be distracted by the slogans. This marks a down point in your life. You are probably trying to regain your youth. Stop it. You had really bad bangs back then.
• See through knickers. You will smirk knowingly to yourself while buying coffee, then wink at that hot barista who works here on Tuesday afternoons. Your coffee will be a bit cheaper than normal. Well done. Later you will drop a magazine in Coop, but luckily, no one will be watching.
• Thong. Your ass will have the aesthetic equivalent of a glittery rainbow unicorn covered in cake. However, you will need to do a strange little shimmy every time some string goes somewhere it shouldn't. 
• Lace. Today, you will not put on any other clothes. Instead, you will stay at home, lie on a sofa, and look very attractive. Your legs will look good enough to inspire an impromptu visit to a night club, where you will make out with someone, then do a very small sick in the taxi home.
• Shape wear pants. While your entire body will look amazing, you won't be able to sit down/bend over/raise your arms above 90 degrees/do Gangnam Style. Best just sand in the corner drinking a lot of wine and talking about George Osborne. 
• Matching bra and knickers. You will achieve superpowers for (1) day. 

Time To Crack Out The Christmas Pants

In my little group, we have something called the Knicker Brigade. I can tell you'r interested. It's three or four of us, who buy each other knickers for birthdays and Christmas. It's fun, and quirky, and we all feel a little bit closer for knowing far too much about each others underwear drawers.

So, I thought it might a be a bit of fun to bring you some of my favorite underwear out there this Christmas season. I'm afraid the bras outweigh the pants; I don't want to be giving and secrets away! Also, me and bras? Best friends.

From H&M, I'm actually in love. It's everything I could ever want from some pants. If these don't sum up the meaning of Christmas, I don't know what does. A neat combination of comfort, value for money, and sequins. You can get them here, and I give them five out of five stars.

If you don't love Coco De Mer, then there is something wrong with you. This is the obligatory expensive bra, and proof that "You can be kinky at Christmas" is an actual, legit saying in some parts of Yorkshire (clue: it's not). You can get it here, five stars.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be who I am now, if it weren't for comfy Marks and Spencer pants. These are probably the only ones in this list that actually look Christmassy, but they're adorable, and perfect for slouching round the house in, on cold winter mornings. You can get them here, three out of five stars (nice, but a bit dull)

From Boux Avenue, Roxy satin plunge bra and briefs. It's Christmas, big, bold colours are fabulous, and I love this because it's just the right side of sexy, without being too garish, and simple without being too boring.  Also, there's a choice of briefs, or a thong, which I appreciate (I have a hatred of thongs.) You can find it here, and I give them four out of five stars.

And thus, that completes my Christmas knicker list. Which should be a thing. Knickers are so underrated as a clothing group. And can you imagine where we'd be without them? With cold vaginas, that's where. Also, my spell check refuses to admit that there is a plural of 'vagina'. I t keeps wanting to put commas in there, like the vaginas have possessions.

This is a real threat, people. The vaginas are stealing your pants. But only one at a time. because Google thing there isn't a plural of vagina. Unless it's like octopus, and the plural is something like vagini. 

I googled it. It's not vagini, it's vaginae. 

Close enough people, close enough.