I'm Just A Woman, Standing In Front Of A Blog, Asking People To Love Her

It’s been a very, very long time since I did this. Not as long as it could be; it hasn’t been years, or decades. But it has been months, and I find that really bloody annoying. It’s been a long time since I’ve sit down and actually written, and because it’s been so long, it’s been much harder to start. I can count about twenty hours worth of bus journeys where I’ve sat and wracked my brains desperately for something funning, or interesting, or witty to write about and every idea I’ve come up with has then been shot down because I’ve been too scared, or didn’t think I could pull it off, or something equally shallow and vapid.

It’s been phenomenally irritating. As the stretch where I didn’t write became longer it became easier to come up with reasons why I shouldn’t. And it’s got to the point where I’ve just got sick of the inside of my own head being a lazy, scared prick, and I just want to do what I enjoy.

In the past, I wrote because I want people to like me. Wanting people to like me is the main cause behind the majority of the things I do, as I’m sure it is for many people. That’s still the main reason I write publicly, but that’s now tied in with the idea that I want to improve. Where I blog most of the time it involves having an idea for a title, or something that I found interesting/annoying, or stealing an idea from someone else, and then just hammering out 500 words on the topic blindly, without really thinking in through, and then not reading it back before I posted it. To be honest, that’s what this post is going to be. But I want to change what comes next. I want to be a better writing, and a better entertainer. This is going to be a learning curve for all of us. I want to plan properly, come up with proper ideas and arguments, and write real jokes. I love comedy, and journalism, and politics, and I want to be good at them. Mostly because I want people to like me, but also because I want to like myself.

I’m not going to read this back, because I know I’ll think I’m whining (I am) and I’ll bottle out. NO. JUST POST THAT DAMN THING. STOP BLOODY FRETTING.IT’LL BE FINE. Probably. Or I might finally start receiving the hate mail I’ve been suspecting is coming my way for years – but that just might be me being pedantic.

Okay. Don’t red it back. Just press send.

I Miss This

I think the most bastard thing about being a writer is that every time I have a decent amount of time to work with, I can't think of a single thing to say. Which is why I've spent a lot of today being exhausted and staring at a blank computer screen. I just kept thinking I have to write something, and then thinking but what is that something? Long story short, I have no idea. I was all "I'll write a short story about snow!" and then I remembered that I hate snow and it's all just sat there outside of my window giving my Mum a cold and metaphorically crippling me by confining me to my house. I hate snow. Then I thought "I'll write a poem!" But, ahahaha, good joke me. I'm awful at poetry. And again, the only thing I can think of to write about is snow. Because there's just so much of it. So no poetry, and defiantly not poetry about snow. 
I guess I've been gone a while. Sorry about that. I just had a lot of stuff on. I was in a pantomime, did my practical A Level drama exam, and did my grade seven speech and drama exam all within the course of one week, and I am knackered. I've got a load of stuff that I want to say, but I just need a little bit of time (but not too much). Also some of it is oddly daunting, so we'll see how that goes.
I'm trying not to make any of this too personal, because I've made the mistake of making blogs very personal before, and it never ends well. But I just needed to have that tiny rant. I'm trying to think of a funny story to end this with, but sod it, I have no funny in me right now. No, I lie, I'm going to go and write Top Gear fan fiction, and if that's not funny, I don't know what is. I always have funny in me. 
The pantomime was great - it was the story of Jonah and The Whale, in my local church. Jonah was played by an angry teenage girl, the whale was played by a six year old in a fish costume. I played a banker. There was a drag queen and a gang of ten year old arms dealers. I think this is what happens when you stay in the countryside for too long. The exam was fun and also one of the saddest moments of my life and left all of us with a lot of bruises in places we aren't comfortable talking about. The second exam was the single most terrifying experience of my life. But I did get get a new bra out of it, so swings and roundabouts, I guess. 
Here, have some mentally scaring photos of myself and my pets.

"When there's grubby money making to be done (to be done), oh a bankers lot is such a happy one..."

My Favorite Bimbo

"Hold me."
"Did you say hold me?"
"No."

Proof that I no longer fit into the kids dressing up clothes you get in museums.

Next Year Is Going To Consist Of Gay Bars And Radio 4

So in less than two days time, it'll be 2013. That's well crazy, cause I'm pretty sure it was 2008 about five minutes ago. The last Harry Potter book came out over five years ago. I can remember queuing up round the back of Waterstones at midnight, dressed as Bellatrix Lestrange. I swear that was only last year....
Anyway, anyway, anyway, I make new years resolutions every year, and never, ever keep them (mostly because I've forgotten what they are by February.) But this year, I am determined, determined goddamn it to keep them . Mostly by making them really, really easy to achieve.

1. Don't start doing heroin. Do start doing heroines. They're well fit. But the lady sort, not the drug sort. I'm kicking off with this one, because I know I can keep it. There's no chance of me doing heroin. I listen to too much Radio 4.
2. Cut down on tea. Ahahaha, this won't happen. But the sentiment is nice, right? I need tea like a nun needs cock. If I go too long without it, I do get cravings. I wouldn't go as far to say that I have a caffeine addiction, because it is only tea. It's just.. really, really nice. Shush. I love tea. It's just turning me into a bit of an insomniac.
3. Don't make a tit of myself in another country. I'm going to Berlin next year, just for a few days. It would be nice if I didn't mortally embarrass myself there. Also, not getting lost in a German sex club would be nice. Damn, those things are scary.  There is a high chance I won't actually get there anyway, I have terrible organisation. 
4. Do more writing. This is actually quite likely, I like writing, it is fun. I want to learn how to write proper stoies, and have characters that talk to me, and get a column published in a newspaper. Also, it's really useful for picking up girls.
5. Get off with a transvestite. No real reason for this, I just have a bit of a thing for drag queens.

Help, There's A Gun In My Yarn Stash

I started writing a new fan fic, crossing over my current two fave things; knitting and The Avengers; Have a snippet and a link. A xx



“Barton... are you... knitting?”

The other agent flicked his head backwards to peer at her, upside down. “Problem Tash?”

“No, I just didn’t take you for the granny sort...”

He attempted to shrug, but upside down, it came out as more of a wiggle. “One of the acrobats taught me in the circus. It kept me from doing target practice with the clowns hats.” He grinned, and looked back to the bundle of thin black yarn and needles in his hands. “You should try it some time; you might make a cute little spider web, or a vodka cosy, or whatever.”


(X)