Shouting At Cosmopolitan. Again.

It's that time of the month again; when I finally get around to reading the Cosmo magazine I bought three weeks ago. And yes, you're right. I am procrastinating from English revision. I usually don't really have an issue with any of the articles Cosmo prints - although there are always flaws depending on your opinion. How ever one page in this months issue really ticked me of, and it is called "Expert Toning Tips For...", sub-headed 'We've got the best exercises for your body shape." This then followed by a series of photos of slightly 'deformed' Barbies and notes on their body type, and how to change it. 
There's a rather large myriad of issues here. For one, the use of Barbies, a brand known for showing an even more unachievable female body image than Disney. Then there's the fact that they've been photoshopped to appear wrong, when they actually appear to just look like normal women (or as normal as a photoshopped Barbie can get). This seems to present the idea that none of these body types; apple, boyish, busty, pear or hourglass are acceptable and need to be changed. Fast, before any men look at you. It's almost like we need to have the body of a plastic doll to be allowed. The only one which seems to get away with existing is the hourglass, but even then the article suggests that you need to put more work in to stay "firm". I've still never worked out why 'firm' is desirable. It sounds like if you gave them a hug, they'd be hard as a board. (Get your mind out of the gutter, there's only room for one and I got here first.)
Oh Cosmo. You've been doing so well recently. Maybe not so much in this issue. I didn't take to the list of examples why females bosses are all bitches too well either, however excited you are for the Revenge Wears Prada film. 

I was wondering weather or not I should enter Cosmo's blog competition. Maybe not, after this. I don't think I'd win.

Rewriting Cosmo #1: 3 Ways To Be Party Confident

Don’t get me wrong, I love Cosmopolitan magazine as much as the next girl, but I've never been able to shake this nagging feeling that it sometimes is a little bit silly. The magazine which we all know today has watched over the lives of women since the 1960’s - as long as those women are white, unmarried, childless, straight and with disposable income. It also helps if they're a little bit insecure.
So, because I feel that it can be a little bit silly, I decided to take some time to rewrite an article or two before actually reading them. Just for the sake of comparison, of course...

3 Ways To Be Party Confident

1. Get smashed. This may seem kind of obvious, but it’s still worth listing. Do it with style; you’re partying! I recommend purchasing a monocle, top hat and stick-on mustache a little ahead of schedule, then arming yourself with a nice big glass of red wine. Depending on how many of your co-workers you will have to interact with, feel free to skip the glass and head right on to the bottle. It’ll help. Trust me.
2. Wear nice shoes. It literally doesn't matter what else you wear, as long as you have nice shoes. If you turn up in a potato sack and a pair of Louboutins, it will be fine. However, this does not work in reverse. If you wear Westwood with a pair of trainers, I will come for you. You may not even know me, but I will find you. Oh yes; I will find you, and destroy you. PS - yellow shoes inexplicably go with anything. Anything.
3. If in doubt, just assume that nobody cares. The likelihood of you seeing these people again is way too slim for it to matter, and on the off chance you do see them any time soon, they’ll stop returning your emails after about six months. Probably because you both finally sobered up enough to remember that extra Jager Bomb, and how you and Jasmine ended up under the table with each others pants on your head. Jesus, you were a mess that night. What is wrong with you.

So that's my advice to you. You probably shouldn't follow it, although I hope you've already figured that out for yourself. I did actually go and read the original Cosmo article in the end, and it came up with this;

1. Don’t overthink it.
2. Ask a question. About Anything.
3. Remember you’re brilliant.

Whatever, that’s rubbish advice. Ignore what I said earlier, I talk shed loads of sense.