Rewriting Cosmo #1: 3 Ways To Be Party Confident

Don’t get me wrong, I love Cosmopolitan magazine as much as the next girl, but I've never been able to shake this nagging feeling that it sometimes is a little bit silly. The magazine which we all know today has watched over the lives of women since the 1960’s - as long as those women are white, unmarried, childless, straight and with disposable income. It also helps if they're a little bit insecure.
So, because I feel that it can be a little bit silly, I decided to take some time to rewrite an article or two before actually reading them. Just for the sake of comparison, of course...

3 Ways To Be Party Confident

1. Get smashed. This may seem kind of obvious, but it’s still worth listing. Do it with style; you’re partying! I recommend purchasing a monocle, top hat and stick-on mustache a little ahead of schedule, then arming yourself with a nice big glass of red wine. Depending on how many of your co-workers you will have to interact with, feel free to skip the glass and head right on to the bottle. It’ll help. Trust me.
2. Wear nice shoes. It literally doesn't matter what else you wear, as long as you have nice shoes. If you turn up in a potato sack and a pair of Louboutins, it will be fine. However, this does not work in reverse. If you wear Westwood with a pair of trainers, I will come for you. You may not even know me, but I will find you. Oh yes; I will find you, and destroy you. PS - yellow shoes inexplicably go with anything. Anything.
3. If in doubt, just assume that nobody cares. The likelihood of you seeing these people again is way too slim for it to matter, and on the off chance you do see them any time soon, they’ll stop returning your emails after about six months. Probably because you both finally sobered up enough to remember that extra Jager Bomb, and how you and Jasmine ended up under the table with each others pants on your head. Jesus, you were a mess that night. What is wrong with you.

So that's my advice to you. You probably shouldn't follow it, although I hope you've already figured that out for yourself. I did actually go and read the original Cosmo article in the end, and it came up with this;

1. Don’t overthink it.
2. Ask a question. About Anything.
3. Remember you’re brilliant.

Whatever, that’s rubbish advice. Ignore what I said earlier, I talk shed loads of sense.