10 Mar 2013

Dear Mum

So first off, I forgot to buy you a card. Soz about that. You'll have to do with a blog post instead. Depending on what time I wake up I might even print it off. Hardcore.
Let's face it, we don't really do sentimentality. We're one of those families that expresses affection by only verbally abusing each other, and in our cases, falling on each other from great heights. Well, I do that. Your knees are bit too squiffy to do any real falling. I hope you never have to appear on Miranda. Anyways, you've been a Mum for like, eighteen years now. That's a well long time.If there was a branch of Girl Guiding for mums, you'd probably have earned some sort of badge. Probably one of those ones you get on the anniversary of joining. I only ever got my yellow one. Not for being a mum, obvs, but in the actual girl guides.   Long story short, I'm rubbish at cards. You get a list instead. Much better. You get a list of 'thank yous', because it's Mothers Day, and it's socially unacceptable to ignore it. So, thank you...

  1. ...For taking me to that Pogues gig, even though it was a school night, I was ill, and going with a load of older boys I didn't know very well. It was fun. My hair still smells of Guinness.
  2. ...For being at home quite a lot when I had glandular fever, and finding that there tutor and stuff.
  3. ...For letting me do media, which was probably a bad decision, but also meant that I met two of the best teachers I've ever had.
  4. ...For letting me do drama. Ditto.
  5. ...For talking me out of going to drama school/doing it at uni. In hindsight that really was an awful idea.
  6. ...For not trying to change my mind as I slowly became more and more of an insufferable liberal. I realize it can probably be quite annoying some times.
  7. ...For saying "Just as long as it's not Baggy." when I told you I had a girlfriend. Probably the best response overall.
  8. ...Letting me go to a lot of slightly shady house parties, and slowly imparting enough wisdom on to me that I know that getting drunk/doing drugs/getting pregnant is way more effort than it's worth.
  9. ...Playing David Bowie to me when I was tiny. I would later hear him on the radio and know all of the words. I would not know why. It would be really weird.
  10. ...For putting up with the Spice Girls phase before I discovered Green Day.
  11. ...For not killing me on the second Spice Girls phase. At least it wasn't Justin Timberlake.
  12. ...For putting up with this blog post. It's really late and thinking of eighteen things is hard.
  13. ...For raising me to be the cynical bitch that I am. It's really fun. 
  14. ...For encouraging me to have Noel Fielding as a role model. Are you sure that's a good idea?
  15. ...For not having me drowned by a mob that time I indirectly stabbed you in the eye with barbed wire. I still don't know how you missed the fence, and maintain that it wasn't my fault. 
  16. ...For decorating my room like a Moroccan brothel. 
  17. ...For raising me entirely on programs with Tony Robinson in. Although there's now a high chance that I shall commit suicide when he eventually dies.
  18. ...For indulging my weird obsessions with middle aged male 'celebrities'. At least Brian Cox and Boris Johnson are acceptable to the rest of the family. 
BONUS ...For Alan. I feel like he's being left out. And he did buy me a mug. Although he does smell funny.

So, y'know. Cheers and that. Your present will arrive within 4-6 working days. Please can you pick me up from drama on Monday.

PS Please keep the rest of that wine. I do not like it.

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