Underwear Horoscope for... Um... Normal Women

So a while ago, Jenna Marbles, who I love and respect very much, posted this video on YouTube, where she gave horoscopes based on what knickers you were wearing on a day-to-day basis. And OK, fair enough, she probably has a point, but only if anyone is actually going to be looking inside your jeans. As someone who's jean content remains largely unknown to the majority of the world, I may have tweaked some of these...

• Cotton briefs. Today, you and your vagina will work as one. You will be so damn comfy, it is unreal. You'll get a lot of stuff done today that you've been putting off for a while, and you'll start reading that book you had your eye on, which will turn out to be really funny.
• Lady boxers. Otherwise known as boy shorts. At some point this afternoon you will find yourself in your pants and a shirt, lip-syncing to Beyoncé, into a hairbrush.
• Underwear from a pack. Today, you will be very comfy, and probably take a mid afternoon nap. Someone will question your choice of pant, but unless it's someone who you're about to have spur of the moment sex with, in a very brightly lit room, it doesn't really matter.
• Knickers with writing on the back. On the off chance that someone actually reads this writing, they will not notice how excellent your ass is, because they will be distracted by the slogans. This marks a down point in your life. You are probably trying to regain your youth. Stop it. You had really bad bangs back then.
• See through knickers. You will smirk knowingly to yourself while buying coffee, then wink at that hot barista who works here on Tuesday afternoons. Your coffee will be a bit cheaper than normal. Well done. Later you will drop a magazine in Coop, but luckily, no one will be watching.
• Thong. Your ass will have the aesthetic equivalent of a glittery rainbow unicorn covered in cake. However, you will need to do a strange little shimmy every time some string goes somewhere it shouldn't. 
• Lace. Today, you will not put on any other clothes. Instead, you will stay at home, lie on a sofa, and look very attractive. Your legs will look good enough to inspire an impromptu visit to a night club, where you will make out with someone, then do a very small sick in the taxi home.
• Shape wear pants. While your entire body will look amazing, you won't be able to sit down/bend over/raise your arms above 90 degrees/do Gangnam Style. Best just sand in the corner drinking a lot of wine and talking about George Osborne. 
• Matching bra and knickers. You will achieve superpowers for (1) day.