How To Get Married

I get asked for relationship advice a lot. As an eighteen year old lesbian, who hasn't had a relationship in over a year, I can see exactly why people ask me. I am clearly an untapped well of dating wisdom, who is too kind and busy imparting my knowledge unto others, to have any time to work on the whole thing myself. “Ariane!” They cry, “You’re capable, witty and daring, will you help me win the heart/console/seduce my boyfriend/girlfriend/non-sexy friend/lizard?” 

Well, first off, if you ask me about your lizard then I will report you to the police, but only after laughing quite a lot, and quite possibly fleeing from you. Second, I have decided to make this all much easier for you, by scribing a list of some of my favorite dating tips. If these don’t work, they’re clearly not worth your time, darling, so I suggest that we go and get hammered on gin and ice cream.

1. Cook them a medieval banquet. This demonstrates many good qualities in a partner. First off, that you have the time and patience to go to a certain amount of effort for them. Also, that you can cook, an essential skill in any time period or location. I suggest braised boars head, quail curried in white sauce, and an oak tree crafted from marzipan for afters. If in doubt, I there’s a Chinese in Rhyl that does something pretty similar. 
2. Kidnap them. Quite an obvious choice I know, but one that’s regularly over looked. It gives you a chance to demonstrate that you wish to spend more time with them, and show them what it’s like to be around you. Find some fun, pro-kidnapping activities to do, such as racquet ball. If you’re looking to take the next step in your relationship, consider imprisoning them in a small dungeon to give them a feel for what married life could be like. Bonus points for decorating the dungeon like your future home - complete with photos of your children that you made on MorphThing.
3. Try to stand out from the crowd. Try to make yourself noticeable – this way you can remain aloof and mysterious, allowing them to come and talk to you. One method is wearing something a little unusual, such as a vintage scarf, block colour shoes, or an ostrich feather headdress made by a blind Italian man. 
4. Read their favorite books. This way you’ll feel closer to them emotionally, and you’ll have a good start for a conversation. Simply break into their house while they’re sleeping, and read as many books as you can before they wake up. If you like, you could make it into a sort of competition with yourself – try to read one more book each night than you did the night before. 
5. Take them out to dinner. Actually, don’t even bother with this one. The conversation will be awkward, and the food under cooked  Plus, halfway through the evening, someone will spill red wine on someone else, resulting in having to go home early. Waste of both time and money.

PS Yes hello it's been a while hasn't it. I've been to London, Berlin and Wales since we last spoke. I'll update with photos as soon as Papa Dean sends me my camera home. Also neon Frida Kahlo is now a thing.